Dating Questionnaire
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Greetings. This questionnaire has been designed for men wishing
to date the more mature (i.e., older), the more discerning (i.e,
grumpy), tentatively optimistic (i.e., disillusioned) heterosexual
women of ANS (35+ years). Please answer honestly since the point is
to save time, money, and the eternal life force (i.e., don't piss
us off by lying to us).  You may think that we are kidding on some
of these questions, but we have been burned before and are taking
no chances. We are quite serious here.

(Also, please email rhinozrus@yahoo.com if I've left off any questions.
This list expands as my experience grows)

1.  I am a female.

2.  I am a gay man.

3.  I am married to or living with someone that I am currently
    scrogging.

4.  I am currently unemployed and/or sponging off the government
    or human being(s).

5.  I consider Taco Bell a fine dining establishment.

6.  I have massaged my brain with my finger via a nasal or rectal
    cavity.

7.  I believe that if one's stool is solid, then the use of toilet
    paper is superfluous.

8.  I am currently employed by ANS, UUNET, WorldCom, xxx.baboonass.com
     (or whatever the company's name is now), or one or more
     of its vendors or subsidiaries. 

9.  I have had unprotected sex with one or more persons
    employed by ANS, UUNET, WorldCom, or one or more of its vendors
    or subsidiaries.

10. I consider private transportation a burden upon the environment
    and therefore do not own an automobile or employ a chauffeur.

11. I am a Jehovah's Bystander. We believe that Jesus did stop
    by the planet Earth, but we just don't want to get involved.

12. I have ignited my date's farts without having been requested
    to do so.

13. Tommy Lee is too progressive with respect to his thoughts about
    womens' roles in modern society.

14. It is acceptable to let a dog sit on the pillows on which
    one sleeps.

15. I have uttered the phrase, 'bitch, fetch me a cold one, pronto'.

16. I have a biker T-shirt which reads on the back:
    If you can read this, the bitch fell off

17. I have a ham radio ID.

18. I typically eat sandwiches in three bites or less without
    chewing.

19. I have said to a date, 'You eatin' that?"

20. Folks who brush their teeth once or more per day are in danger of
    stripping their teeth of protective enamel.

21. In order to fully share my profound thoughts, I must be
    constantly speaking for at least 80% of all conversations.

22. I believe that household appliances are ideal anniversary gifts.

23. I have picked my teeth with a drivers' license and/or business
    card at the table while sitting with a date.

24. I have 'copped a feel' during a religious ceremony.

25. My clothing has stuck to furniture that it's been tossed upon.

26. I'm tired of women making criticisms for the toilet seat being
    "left" up, so I've ingeniously solved the problem by urinating
    with the seat down.  Most of the time, the spillage on the seat
    evaporates by the time a chick cops a squat.

27. I've slipped relatives the tongue during family functions.

28. My old friends 'Cooter' and 'Stinky' like to pop by unannounced
    to play drinking games and watch network television.

29. Oral sex is boring, wrong, disgusting, and/or against the
    wishes of The Supreme Being that it is our duty to make a
    fair effort to procreate during each sex act.

30. Women believe that the top three inches of buttcrack is the
    sexiest part of a man's body, so I wear short T-shirts and
    beltless jeans. Whenever a woman comes by, I can pretend
    like I'm doing something and coyly bend over.

31. I find that my newspaper route helps pay for beer while
    I'm between jobs.

If you have answered 'yes' or 'true' to any of these questions,
please consider yourself toast, though we do have lovely parting
consolation gifts (chiclets and chocolate) just for playing!