Loyal Fans, Here is my screenplay. Warning: it is a full-length film (~80 pages) expanded from the award-winning short story. Why?, you may ask. It needed to be 80 pages minimum to be entered into screenplay contests. How?, you may ask. It is padded out with other college drunken buffoonery. Some of the names have been changed and some of the actions have been ascribed to other people to make the story tighter. It is complete fiction. Feedback is welcome since this screenplay is in constant evolution. Cat Out of the Bag by Sue Blair, copyright @ 2002, Sue Blair rhinozrus@yahoo.com, www.sueblairthepoet.com TAG LINE: A story about four female punks who rent a house on-campus at the University of Michigan. The time is the 1980's and so is the soundtrack. The titles of the tunes should go along with what is happening in the story most of the time. Music by Simple Minds is the "cosmic revelation" music and binds the vignettes together. It will play when a character has a change of heart or has a major realization. This is a comedy chronicling all of the drunken stupidity, but the women find that life has extra meaning. There are several acts which can be shown sequentially or can be chopped up and interspersed with each other. MAIN CHARACTERS: VANESSA is a poser punk from England who likes to go clubbing; she is ostensibly studying communications. DEBBIE is a tall, blonde fashion punk who is a hair designer and is studying art history. CATHY is a band punk who is a lead singer and is studying biology. SUE is a surfer punk who is studying computer science and business. --------------------------------------- ACT 1: CAT OUT OF THE BAG ------------------------- FADE IN: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- LATE EVENING (MUSIC: 'Our House' by Madness) CATHY, SUE, and DEBBIE are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. Debbie is holding a huge stuffed pink bear. Sue is holding a huge stuffed rhino. All are wearing clay masques and there are a bunch of fashion mags on the table, including the Madonna Interview issue. where she is wearing about 100 bracelets. Cathy is rolling a joint. VANESSA enters from the outside, carrying a mangey grey cat. VANESSA Hey guys! Cathy and Debbie start cooing over the cat. SUE Hey Vanessa, you know I'm allergic to cats, right? Dead silence. Cathy and Debbie look at each other with that "Here we go again" look, rolling their eyes. VANESSA Oh my gosh, Sue, I had no idea! I just saved Xavier from being killed by the Humane Society. I can try to find another home for him, but he can't go back there! More silence. SUE OK, but in the meantime, keep that thing away from my stuff. The other girls go back to playing with the cat and gossiping. Sue goes to the kitchen. CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- CONTINUOUS Sue is making a plate of crackers with krab dip. The container says "Crab with a 'K' Dip". She sets it on the counter and goes to get a drink out of the refrigerator. There are magnetic letters on the refrigerator door that say "FELCH MY QUAKING ROSEBUD". When Sue closes the refrigerator door, she can now see that the cat is on the counter eating the crackers. Sue screams, lobbing her drink at the cat. The cat is soaked and runs away. Cathy, Debbie, and Vanessa come into the kitchen. CATHY Shite! So much for our snack. Bummer, I've got the munchies in a major way. SUE Vanessa, could you please keep that fucking thing off the counter? Yech! DEBBIE The poor thing is just hungry. (pause) DEBBIE (CONT'D) I don't suppose you happened to pick up any cat food, Vanessa? VANESSA Might as well feed him the crackers. SUE No way! You are then rewarding the cat for unacceptable behavior and I refuse to put up with that shite. Sue dumps the crackers down the garbage disposal. SUE (CONT'D) Stop 'N Rob is open 24 x 7, so I suggest you get your body on down there & get some cat food. CATHY And get us some more munchies. CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH STREET -- MORNING (MUSIC: 'I Love Rock and Roll' by Joan Jett) Sue and Cathy are stapling flyers around campus. Cathy's flyers are an advertisement for her band called "Area 69". The flyer says "'Area 69' with 'Glory Hole' opening for 'Sticky Fingers'". Sue's flyers are for a free cat to a happy home. Sue stops at Stop 'N Rob to buy a spray bottle. CUT TO: EXT. FRONT DOOR TO GIRLS' HOUSE -- LATER Sue is coming home. She tapes a flyer to the front door of the house which says "FREE CAT TO A HAPPY HOME - INQUIRE WITHIN". CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH STREET -- LATER (MUSIC shifts to "I Hate Myself For Loving You" by Joan Jett) Vanessa is walking to class and sees one of the cat posters on a post, looks around furtively, rips it down, and throws it in the trash. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- EARLY EVENING There is a knock at the door. Sue answers. It is a young couple from next door inquiring about the free cat. Sue is excited and friendly & has them come in. The cat is sitting on the TV and immediately starts hissing at the couple. The couple gives a strange look. (MUSIC shifts to 'I Ran' by Flock of Seagulls) They hurriedly vacate, much to Sue's disappointment. CUT TO: INT. SUE'S BEDROOM -- EVENING Sue opens her bedroom door in order to go down the hall to take a whiz. The cat is standing there. SUE Don't even THINK about it, fuckball. Sue shuts the door and goes to the can. The bedroom door pops open a crack and the cat slinks inside her room. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- LATER Cathy, Vanessa, and Debbie are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. Sue enters and sees the cat sitting there chewing her slipper. She screams and begins spraying the cat with the spray bottle. Everyone else is laughing. SUE I do NOT find this particularly amusing. VANESSA You're SO materialistic. Debbie and Cathy sagely nod agreement. SUE You're all a bunch of hypocrites! I don't recall anyone laughing when Mike's dog ate that baggie of pot. CATHY (sadly) True. DEBBIE That's totally different. Pot is a vehicle to a higher plane of consciousness whereas slippers are not. SUE The point is That Fucking Cat is a roving stray. Feral. VANESSA His name is Xavier. SUE What-EVER. The thing should be taught some manners, discipline. It should be declawed and at least washed and brushed. Its fur is matted together and looks like shite. Why did you save it from the jaws of doom only to put it into the jaws of neglect? Vanessa bursts into tears. Cathy & Debbie provide comfort, giving Sue dirty looks. Sue stalks into her bedroom. CUT TO: INT. UPSTAIRS BEDROOM HALLWAY -- AFTERNOON (MUSIC: 'A Girl in Trouble is a temporary thing' by Romeo Void) Sue has taken to eating her meals in her bedroom so she does not have to deal with The Fucking Cat. She enters her bedroom with her plate in hand, shutting the door in the cat's face. She sits there eating and takes a few bites. One wall is covered with a bunch of vintage purses and hats on hooks. There is an A-Ha poster on the closet door. Sue stops eating and pauses. SUE (sighs) This is bullshit. Sue puts down her knife and fork. (MUSIC shifts to 'Take on Me' by A-Ha) Sue takes her food down to the kitchen table where the cat promptly jumps up on the table and starts sniffing it. She dumps a glass of water on the cat's head & it runs away. It comes back & sulks in the corners which is disturbing. Sue keeps the spray water bottle handy, spraying the cat with it when it gets too close. Eventually, she only has to lift the water bottle for the cat to run away. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- EVENING Cathy, Debbie, and Vanessa are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. Sue walks into the living room. Vanessa is letting the cat eat off her plate which is sitting on the living room table. SUE Yech! No wonder your cat has no fucking manners. The cat grabs the last piece of food and slinks away to the outskirts of the room. DEBBIE Do you notice how the cat leaves when Sue's around? CATHY (sarcastically) I suspect that Sue is "abusive" to the cat. SUE Yes, I ass-fuck the cat daily with a strap-on when you guys leave in the morning. CATHY Thank the goddess for afternoon classes! Sue sits down and starts reading a paperback. The cat gets on top of the TV and starts hissing at Sue. She flings the book at the cat. VANESSA If that's not abusive, I don't know what is. CATHY Maybe his ass is sore. SUE Abusive? I refuse to sit in my own living room and have some mangey, piece-of-shit, ne'er-do-well parasite hiss at me! CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN -- MORNING (MUSIC: 'The Beach' by New Order) Sue is getting orange juice out of the fridge. The magnetic letters on the fridge say "I RELISH RECTAL ROMPING". Unbeknownst to her, the cat is on top of the fridge. It takes a swipe at her. SUE Ow! Sue puts her hand to her eyebrow & it comes away with blood on it. SUE (CONT'D) Fuck! That could have been my fucking eye! Sue grabs the baggie of pot from the coffee table drawer and sprinkles it on some tuna fish & leaves the room. When she returns (dressed), the tuna is gone & the cat is sluggish & batting at things that aren't there. She takes a roll of duct tape out of the drawer & tapes its front paws together; then she tapes its hind legs together. She throws the cat into a kitchen trash bag, then an idea hits her. She goes out front. CUT TO: EXT. FRONT YARD - MORNING -- CONTINUOUS Sue digs a hole in a snowdrift in front of the bay window and buries the cat vertically up to its neck in the drift. (MUSIC shifts to 'Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?' by Culture Club) Sue goes back inside and sits in the bay window, mocking the cat. The view is from the outside, from the cat's P.O.V. Sue is laughing at the cat, clenching and shaking her fists, mouthing "Die, die!". While this is going on, Cathy walks up to the house. Sue sees her and mouths "Shit!". Sue grabs her coat and backpack and stalks out the front door. SUE I'm going to the library. CATHY See ya later. On the way up, Cathy sees the cat in the snowdrift and looks at Sue's figure trailing off down the block, then looks back at the cat. Cathy pulls the cat out of the snowdrift and notices the duct tape. She lifts an eyebrow and shakes her head. She takes the cat inside and lies it on the kitchen cutting board. She cuts the tape from the fur with scissors. When she is done, the cat jumps up and runs & hides in the basement. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- EARLY EVENING Cathy, Vanessa, and Debbie are getting ready to go to the bar to see Cathy's band play. Sue enters. Before the cat bolts out of the room, Sue notices that some of the cat's leg hair is missing. She and Cathy exchange glances. DEBBIE (to Vanessa) A lady at work may be interested in the cat. SUE You know, Vanessa, you can keep the cat as long as you want. Now that it totally vacates when I am around, it is no longer a nuisance to me. VANESSA Really? Vanessa hugs Sue. CUT TO: INT. BLIND PIG BAR STAGE / DANCEFLOOR -- EVENING Cathy is on stage singing "You're My Penis" which is the punk remake of the Bananarama' "You're My Venus". The guitar player, MIKE, is wearing a rubber dick hat that looks like the tip of a penis. The volume knob on his guitar is the BAKE/BROIL knob off of a stove. The drummer is BOB. Cathy is wearing ripped fishnets held together with safety pins, a ripped Ramones T-shirt (black), a short black skirt, fetus earrings, and a ton of make-up. People are slam dancing. CATHY Now for an original called "Bedspins". (MUSIC: This song is their most popular offering. It is a mosh-pit song Re: drunken revelry. The music is slow and ethereal during the dizzy, spinning part, and speeds up like a crack monkey during the gut-wrenching, puking part) The music is starting off slow. CATHY (singing) I woke up with that still-drunk sensation Of being perfectly still But with everything else falling away (MUSIC transitions to fuzz riff) CATHY (CONT'D) Time suspended in space Sliding wider and wider Until my mind hits my body again Impact! This is the cue for the fast mosh. People begin slam dancing. CATHY (CONT'D) Slammed into the bed I reach for my head Straight from the grave A gut-wrenching wave Arcs into the trashcan The music becomes slow and spacey. A fan climbs on stage and does the Nestea plunge into the crowd. CATHY (CONT'D) Arcs into the trashcan The crowd catches the fan and passes him to the back of the dancefloor over their heads. Cathy is shaking her head from side to side. CATHY (CONT'D) I'll not do this again Never never never oh oh The music gets really slow and transitions into an ethereal small stone jam. CATHY (CONT'D) never never never never Oh God help me where where are my underwear where where where The music fades out. The crowd cheers. CATHY If you've enjoyed our performance, we're "Area 69". If not, we're the Plumbobs. The DJ starts playing 'Prehistoric Animals', a.k.a., 'Nemesis' by Shriekback, and a bunch of gothic freaks and gay men rush out to the dance floor. They all do the same "hipster" dance which involves waving a cigarette back and forth in the air and looking really bored.) BLACKOUT: -------------------------------------- ACT 2: SATANIC TRUCK -------------------- FADE IN: EXT. HOUSE PARKING LOT - EARLY EVENING (MUSIC: 'You Dropped a Bomb on Me' by Gap Band) Debbie returns home from work and notices that the Modern Management Apartment Maintenance truck is parked in her parking spot. She parks in the Pizza House space instead. PIZZA HOUSE GUY Hey! You know you can't park there. DEBBIE Ugh, I'll take a large cholesterol lovers' pizza to go. PIZZA HOUSE GUY Meat lovers? DEBBIE What-EVER. Debbie dashes inside the house. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Debbie picks up the phone and calls Modern Management. Cathy is sitting there. DEBBIE Hi. Can you move your truck out of my spot again, please? MM GUY You know we have to park somewhere when we are doing maintenance on your building. DEBBIE There is no maintenance happening. The guy is next door eating dinner. This is the third time this has happened. I'm paying money for this spot to be mine and mine alone. I was not informed that this would be happening. MM GUY Sorry, there's nothing we can do. I'm sure it's just for a short time anyway. DEBBIE It's not. He hangs out at Rick's Bar afterwards for hours. MM GUY Again, sorry, I can't help you. The Modern Management guy hangs up the phone. There is a loud 'click' in Debbie's ear; she draws the receiver from her ear and holds it in the air, stunned. DEBBIE That bastard hung up on me! Cathy lifts an eyebrow and nods her head once. CATHY Plan B. (MUSIC: 'I've Got The Perfect Way' by Scritti Polliti) CUT TO: INT. FRONT HALLWAY -- LATE EVENING (MUSIC: 'White Wedding' by Billy Idol) Cathy and Sue put on ski masks, rubber gloves, and dark jumpsuits. They grab a workout bag full of spray paint that happens to be sitting by the front door. They exit to the parking lot. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS Cathy and Sue walk up to the Modern Management truck. They begin spray-painting satanic symbols on the truck including upside-down pentagrams and stuff like "Worship Satan" and "Satan Loves Ewe". SUE By the power of God, I compel you! Out! Out, demon spawn! Sue makes a cross with her left forefinger and right forefinger and presses it against Cathy's forehead. SUE (CONT'D) (imitating a burning sound) Sssss! CATHY (hissing) Your mother sews socks that smell! They laugh and finish the work, then slink back to the house via a circuituitous route. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- THE NEXT DAY -- EARLY EVENING Debbie returns home from work. CATHY No Modern Management blockage? DEBBIE Thank the goddess! Cathy gets Debbie a wine cooler and they clink bottles. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- THE NEXT DAY -- EARLY EVENING Debbie returns home from work. (MUSIC shifts to 'Shout' by Tears for Fears) The Modern Management truck is parked in Debbie's spot again, this time covered with black primer. DEBBIE Oh no! Cathy lifts an eyebrow and nods her head once. CATHY Plan C. (MUSIC shifts to 'I've Got The Perfect Way' by Scritti Polliti) CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE PORCH -- EVENING (MUSIC: 'My Perogative' by Bobby Brown) Cathy and Sue are standing on the front porch in their ninja gear (ski masks and dark jumpsuits). They watch the Modern Management maintenance guy come out of Pizza House and go to the truck. He puts a pizza box on the front seat. He takes the car keys and puts them on the top of the left front tire. He walks away across the street over to Rick's bar. Cathy and Sue sneak up on the truck from opposite sides and enter. Sue chucks the pizza box into the back seat. Cathy drives the truck to North Campus and the Pine Ridge condo pond. They put the car in neutral and leap out. They push the truck into the pond. Unfortunately, it becomes mired before it is completely covered, but no matter; it will buy some time. They take off their ski masks and walk to North Campus. They catch the Night Owl bus to Forbidden City Chinese restaurant. (MUSIC shifts to 'Riding on the Metro' by Berlin) There are a few freaks on the bus, but it is largely deserted. At Forbidden City, Debbie and Vanessa are waiting for them in cute and stylish Chinese outfits. When Cathy and Sue peel off their dark jumpsuits, they are also wearing Chinese outfits. (MUSIC shifts to 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' by Cyndi Lauper) The girls enter and celebrate, ordering a mai tai in a huge volcano glass with four straws. They take the little umbrellas out and stick them in their hair. CUT TO: EXT. HOUSE PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS (MUSIC: 'Red Red Wine' by UB40) The Modern Management maintenance guy returns from Rick's bar fairly drunk. He stands where his truck used to be, scratching his head and looking around. He even feels the air in the parking space to be sure his eyes aren't playing tricks on him. CUT BACK TO: INT. FORBIDDEN CITY -- CONTINUOUS SUE (to Vanessa) Your sorority will be in the President's garden tomorrow, right? VANESSA Yeah, it's some Young Leadership Conference. Cathy makes a snoring sound. VANESSA (CONT'D) Free food though and the President has an awesome pool table. SUE Can you get our worthy contestants to look at the grad library at 12:30PM? VANESSA Sure. CUT TO: EXT. UM PRESIDENT'S HOUSE BACKYARD - DAY -- 12:30PM (MUSIC: 'Shoot That Poison Arrow' by ABC) The University of Michigan's President's backyard faces the back of the graduate library and has a nice garden. Vanessa is conversing with a group of people. The back of the graduate library is a bunch of small carrels where students can study. Each carrel has a window overlooking the President's garden. Vanessa looks up at the grad library, nonchalantly. She looks puzzled and then stands there with her mouth open. The other people notice that she is no longer paying attention to the conversation so they stop talking and look where she is looking. (MUSIC shifts to 'Modern Love' by David Bowie) There are two naked people wearing ski masks pretending to be fornicating in one of the carrels. PERSON #1 Hmm, clearly the will of the proletariat is being undermined yet again by the inherently bourgeoise infrastructure. PERSON #2 Yeah, the bourgeoise always wear the red ski mask. All laugh. One person snaps a picture of the grad library and then another with the "Young Leaders Conference" poster and young leaders smiling in the foreground with the grad library fornicators in the background. The President's security detail is not amused and gets on the walkie-talkie. CUT TO: INT. GRAD LIBRARY -- CONTINUOUS Cathy is pretending to study in the cube next to the fornicators, Sue and Mike. CATHY (to Sue and Mike) Time to break it up, kids, smokey's got his ears on. Sue and Mike get dressed and hurry down to other carrels. They begin to actually study. The grad library security guard sweeps by Cathy, Sue, and Mike sitting in carrels. GRAD SECURITY GUARD (into his walkie talkie) Nope, I don't see anything. BLACKOUT: ---------------------------------------- ACT 3: HOTTUB INCIDENT ---------------------- FADE IN: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- LATE EVENING Cathy, Sue, and Debbie are sitting around watching Letterman, smoking pot. Vanessa enters. VANESSA I'm going hottubbing with some frat guys. Anyone want to come? SUE Describe scenario. VANESSA Skinny-dipping. Drinkage of beer. They know some people who are on vacation for the weekend. CATHY Frat guys! (wrinkles nose in disgust) CATHY (CONT'D) What frat are they from? VANESSA Pyro. DEBBIE Are they buying the beer? VANESSA Of course. Everyone goes. CUT TO: EXT. SUBDIVISION INTERSECTION -- EVENING The girls are walking down the street. The street signs at the intersection say "HISCOCK" and "FELCH". They walk past a house that has a huge painting of a guy on the porch. SUE Hey, isn't that Tom, the DJ from the bar? CATHY Yeah, that is Eileen's house. She must be pissed at him again- look at how small she drew his dick. VANESSA Ouch. CUT TO: EXT. BACKYARK HOTTUB - LATE EVENING (MUSIC: 'Rock Lobster' by the B-52's is playing on a portable boombox) Cathy, Sue, Vanessa, and Debbie are at a hottub in someone's backyard with four frat guys. Everone is naked and their clothing is draped over a fence. The frat guys' sweatshirts say 'Pi Rho' in Greek letters. People are drinking beer, laughing and splashing each other. The cops pull up and shine a spotlight on the people in the hottub. OFFICER LOWEN All right, everyone out. FRAT GUY #1 What is the problem, Occifer? Officer Lowen notices the mispronounciation, but doesn't call him on it. OFFICER LOWEN We received a call from the residents here that people were trespassing and making a disturbance in their hottub. Everyone looks at the house and sees an old man and woman duck down from the only lighted window. FRAT GUY #1 Shit, they were supposed to be on vacation. FRAT GUY #2 You tool! Didn't you check? VANESSA (to Frat Guy #1, sadly) Gosh Bob, I can't believe you lied to us about knowing these people. SUE Well, we are here and we are naked, so we can't really blame them. CATHY Frat guys, Ugh! I shoulda known. Cathy shakes her head from side to side. Everyone puts their bathing suits on and gets loaded into the back of cop cars. CUT TO: INT. POLICE STATION - LATE EVENING/ EARLY MORNING Everyone is taken down to the police station. The cop shop is freezing. The frat guys, noticing the girls' nip-ons, nudge each other. Every cop they encounter finds the situation amusing, but nobody says anything. Everyone is booked for trespassing; they are fingerprinted and booked. The mugshots look awful. (The front and side mugshots for each are shown on the screen in quick succession) (MUSIC: 'Reputation' by Black Flag)) OFFICER LOWEN All right. The owners are willing to drop charges in exchange for some household repairs. Everyone looks at each other like "that's not so bad". OFFICER LOWEN (CONT'D) Also, you will need to sign up for 10 hours of community service a piece. Everyone winces. OFFICER LOWEN (CONT'D) What do you say? Everyone agrees. OFFICER LOWEN (CONT'D) Peachy. You will show up Saturday at 8am at the owners' premise. Everyone winces. OFFICER LOWEN (CONT'D) Failure to show will cause charges to be reinstated. (MUSIC shifts to 'Early in the Morning' by the Gap Band) Everyone groans, then signs up for community service. Debbie signs up for 'Wildflour Community Bakery'. Sue signs up for 'Maxey Boys' Training School'. Cathy signs up for 'Womens' Safehouse Project'. Vanessa signs up for 'Humane Society'. Each are handed a piece of paper with details. Everyone walks home. CUT TO: INT. OLD COUPLES' KITCHEN -- 8AM SATURDAY (MUSIC: 'Everybody Have Fun Tonight' by Wang Chung') The couple is 65-70 years old and are actually pretty cool. The girls and the frat guys spend the day painting and doing repairs. They are laughing and joking and having a good time. The lady has made sandwiches lemonade for lunch. The lady is sitting at the kitchen table with the girls. The man is sitting at a card table with the boys. SUE (to lady) Uh, you know, those guys told us they were housesitting. We had no idea. (MUSIC switches to 'Goody Two-Shoes' by Adam Ant) One of the frat guys overhears, and gives Sue the "goody two-shoes" look (with his front teeth sticking out and eyes rolled toward the ceiling batting his eyes). Sue looks back at him intensely, scratching the bridge of her nose with her middle finger. Nobody else sees this juvenile exchange. LADY Oh, I know, Dear. That's OK. Boys will be boys. The lady breaks out a humungous photo album and shows pictures of her kids to the girls. (MUSIC: 'Hold Me Now' by the Thompson Twins) LADY (wistfully) The kids have grown & moved away. It's different now. Like if you went to get an ice cream cone every day and suddenly stopped going. Assuming you like ice cream. The girls nod in agreement. The Lady goes into the kitchen and immediately brings out scoops of ice cream in tiny dishes with a chocolate chip cookie on top of each. The girls look at each other wondering where the dessert came from so fast. The boys don't even think about it and dive right in. The girls shrug and dive in too. LADY I talk to them on the phone every weekend & I can do it more often once I set up this cordless phone. The LADY lifts a headset and a bunch of wires out of a box. There are more boxes of stereo equipment sitting around. SUE I can help you set up all of that stuff. It will be good experience for when I apply for an internship this summer. Sue gets to work setting up equipment. (MUSIC shifts to 'Mexican Radio' by Wall of Voodoo) LADY Thank you, Dear. Please feel free to put me down as a reference when you apply for your internship. SUE Hey, thanks. I didn't even think about that. (grins) (MUSIC shifts to Simple Minds) BLACKOUT: ----------------------------------------- ACT 4: COMMUNITY SERVICE ------------------------ FADE IN: INT. NUBs (North University Building) COMPUTING CENTER -- DAY Sue is sitting at a computer typing in a program. It is obvious that she has been there all night long. Her area is littered with junk food debris and Jolt pop cans. She is wearing headphones and nodding her head along with the music. Some of the other students have fallen asleep on top of their keyboards; one girl is drooling onto the desktop. There is a computer operator, MYRON, underneath the floor lifting up the floor tiles, trying to look up girls' skirts that are sitting at the terminals. (MUSIC: 'Superfreak' by Rick James) Myron is under the floor tile of Sue's terminal. Debbie walks up. DEBBIE Hey, can you give me a lift to Wildflour Commie bakery and drop the car back at the pad? SUE Sure. She stands up, her foot stepping on the raised floor tile, crushing Myron's head. In the background, you can see the computer operators at the service desk. COMPUTER OPERATOR #2 is wearing spiked hair that is blue on the tips and a dog collar. COMPUTER OPERATOR #1 I wonder where that freak Myron is? COMPUTER OPERATOR #2 Hmm... Brief cut to a shot of Myron underneath the floor tiles holding his head. COMPUTER OPERATOR #2 (shrugging) ....I think he said he had a headache. CUT TO: INT. FRONT SEAT OF DEBBIE'S CAR -- LATER Sue is dropping off Debbie in front of Wildflour Community Bakery. (MUSIC: The tune playing on the car radio is 'Da Da Da' by Trio) Debbie looks in the mirror, fingering a curl. DEBBIE Do I look OK? SUE Well, considering that this is ten hours of messy community service work and everyone I see looks like a bunch of tattooed hippie freaks -- Yes. CUT TO: INT. WILDFLOUR COMMUNITY BAKERY -- LATER The people at Wildflour are friendly and Debbie logs in for community service work. (MUSIC: Simple Minds) Debbie's MENTOR teaches her about the different kinds of all-natural bread and stuff they make. She is learning a lot. He gives her some recipes and tells her that she can take home copies if she wants. She mixes bread and muffins all day and is having a good time. They give her lunch and dinner, which is sandwiches and juice. MENTOR My band is "Cap'n Scrogg and the Butt Pirates". It's my fondest dream to become a full time musician. We need to do some flyers for our gig dates. DEBBIE That sounds great! My roommate can help you with that. She does a lot of band flyers. I'll give you our phone number. MENTOR Cool. Thanks! CUT TO: EXT. BACK DOOR OF THE BAKERY -- LATER Homeless people are forming a line at the back of the bakery. (MUSIC shifts to 'Party Train', funk version by the Gap Band) At end of the day, the bakery gives away their extra bread. The people are grateful for it. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- EVENING Cathy, Vanessa, and Sue are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. Debbie enters with a huge bag of muffins and bread. CATHY Munchies! Woohoo! The girls dive in. (MUSIC shifts to 'Money for Nothing' by Dire Straits) VANESSA These are REALLY good! SUE Yeah! CATHY But what if they're just average & we're really high? VANESSA Does it matter? DEBBIE That was the greatest day. I'm so used to studying all the time and doing stuff for me, me, me. CATHY No, no, no. It's all about ME all the time! (grins) SUE (To Debbie) I got a call from some dude at Wildflour wanting help with some band flyers. Is he hot? DEBBIE Not bad. He has tattoos and is a musician. VANESSA He can't be making that much cash if he is working at Wildflour. CATHY Girlfriend, you are SO shallow. Maybe he has other 'attributes' to make up for lack of funds. (She sticks a breadstick in her front pocket and pats it fondly, swiveling her hips) CUT TO: INT. BUS -- DAY (MUSIC: 'Dear God' by XTC) Sue is riding on a bus to Maxey Boys Training School which is a detention center for deliquent boys. She is traveling with five psych students and a professor. They drive up to a huge dismal-looking brick building. They get out and enter the building, walking through a bunch of corridors to the lounge. There are six young boys standing around shooting pool and watching 'The Scene' on cable, a local dance show where hot chicks wear sleazy clothing and dance suggestively. (MUSIC: the tune they are playing on 'The Scene' is 'Jungle Love' by the Time) The boys are generally trying to be cool. The idea is for each student to talk to a boy and get some insight. Sue gets a tall, skinny kid named Joe. JOE OK, I'm in for 6 months for robbery. SUE Who did you rob? JOE Stop 'N Rob. SUE (incredulous) Get out! The one on East U? JOE Yep. SUE Shit! I live right there. (pause) SUE (CONT'D) But we don't have a TV or any electronic equipment. No valuable jewelry either. Joe smiles. SUE We have a cat though... JOE I hate cats. SUE (smiling) Tell me about it! (pause) SUE (CONT'D) Which chick is the hottest? JOE On this show, that chick with the big booty in the tight pants. SUE Yeah, I would estimate about one- sixty-fourth of an inch of slack in those. (pauses) SUE (CONT'D) What about not on the show? JOE My girlfriend, Stacey. We have been together 8 months now. SUE Cool. JOE I'll show you a picture when they do the quarters tour. SUE Cool. JOE Do you have any cigarettes? SUE Don't smoke. The only thing I have on me is twinkies. (MUSIC shifts to 'Black Coffee in Bed' by Squeeze) It is obvious that Joe would love some twinkies. Sue surreptitiously reaches into her backpack and gives Joe the twinkies. In one motion, they are in his interior vest pocket. JOE Thanks. CUT TO: INT. JOE'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS They begin the quarters tour. (MUSIC shifts to 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' by U2) The rooms are small and are white painted cinderblock with no windows. There are four boys per room on bunk beds that are really no more than cots. They are chintzy and cheap and dilapidated. There is a small bathroom with a bare-bones sink and tiny mirror and a basic toilet. There are some magazines in there. The guys have pictures of scantily-clad chicks all over the walls. There is also a poster of the Go-Gos and a Henry Rollins poster. Joe has a photo of his girlfriend taped to the wall by his head on the lower bunk. It is the only photo down there. JOE (to Sue) It's the last thing I look at before I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up. Sue drops her bag and, while picking it up, notices that Joe has the exact same photo taped to the underside of the top bunk. Joe puts his fingers to his lips. Sue smiles and says nothing. SUE So why did you rip off Stop 'N Rob? JOE To get money to buy pot. SUE Was it worth it? JOE Not really. But then again, I didn't think I would get caught. There is not much to do in this town when you are under 21 except sit around and smoke and drink. SUE I hear ya. PROFESSOR gives Sue a look like "don't encourage him!". SUE (CONT'D) Er, what about watching TV? JOE That's a laugh. I can't stand to be around home with my dad drinking and my mom ragging on me all the time. (MUSIC shifts to 'Jam On It' by Newcleus) PROFESSOR gives Sue an encouraging look that says, "Good job; explore that aspect". CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- EARLY EVENING (MUSIC: 'Heartbreaker' by Pat Benatar) Sue is sitting around the living room with Mike and Bob, from Cathy's band, talking. There is a loud crash next door. They look out the window to see the front door of the house next door open. A woman's hand reaches out; it is low to the ground. WOMAN NEXT DOOR Help! The hand falls and is pulled back inside the door. SUE Holy shit! I'm calling the cops! MIKE Are you sure you want to get involved? SUE Someone next door said "Help!", so that would be a 'yes'. BOB I didn't hear anything. Sue, beginning to doubt herself, sits down. (pause) SUE No. I really can't sit here. I would rather look stupid than sit here doing nothing. Sue picks up the phone and dials. COP Police. Front desk. Information. SUE Hello. I would like to report a disturbance next door. COP Where do you live? SUE 1108 Church Street. COP (sighs) Is it a party? SUE No, this is NEXT door. (pause) SUE (CONT'D) Er, I think a lady is in trouble over there. I heard her say 'help' and a loud crash. (pauses) SUE (CONT'D) Uh, I'm not really sure what is going on. COP We'll check it out. SUE (relieved) A guy lives over there, too, so make sure you talk to her specifically. If a guy opens the door and says everything is fine, don't believe him. COP Oh, yes. We've dealt with this type of thing before. We'll check it out. CUT TO: EXT. CHURCH ST -- LATER In no time, Officer Lowen is over there with his partner. They walk up to the house next door. Sue and the guys are watching from the window. (MUSIC shifts to 'Love is a Battlefield' by Pat Benatar) The cops go in the house. Officer Lowen comes out with a guy in handcuffs and loads him into the back of the copcar. The guy is good-looking, young, and well-dressed. (This is the same couple that came over to look at the cat earlier). Sue runs out the front of the house. SUE Is that lady OK? OFFICER LOWEN She has been knocked around a bit. She doesn't want to go to the hospital and doesn't have any friends or relatives in the area. My partner is going to stay with her until the Safehouse people arrive. SUE What do they do? OFFICER LOWEN They send over two women to stay over and be with the victim to provide comfort and make sure the victim doesn't get depressed. SUE That's cool. The Safehouse women arrive. One of them is Cathy. They have pillows, a casssette player, and bags of microwave popcorn. Sue and Cathy say 'hi' and Cathy introduces Sue to the other Safehouse woman, Jean. Jean and Cathy go up to the house. The woman opens the door a crack, then lets them in. The officers leave. CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM NEXT DOOR -- CONTINUOUS The name of the woman next door is Becky. She is young and pretty but has a black eye and a runny nose. JEAN Do you want to watch some TV? BECKY Sure. It is obvious that Becky is kind of embarrassed and a bit uncomfortable. CATHY (to Becky) You should leave him, you know. Jean gives Cathy a look that would bowl over the Empire State Building. BECKY Uh, I think I'm pregnant. CATHY All the better that you leave. You don't want him hitting the kid as well. Another dirty look from Jean. (Pause) CATHY Or you could just get an abortion. JEAN Er-hem! It's against our policy to suggest that. CATHY (rolling her eyes) Oh, come ON. CATHY (CONT'D) You're a pro-lifer is all. (pause) CATHY (CONT'D) Besides, I'm not an employee of Safehouse anyway. I'm just putting in community service hours. CATHY (CONT'D) (turning to Becky). Not to say I don't care... BECKY (interested) Community service!? What did you get arrested for? CUT TO: INT. HUMANE SOCIETY -- AFTERNOON (MUSIC: 'West End Girls' by Pet Shop Boys) Sue is dropping Vanessa off at the Humane Society. Sue goes in so she can check out the dogs. She makes a face, sticking out her tongue as she walks by the cats, but smiles when she gets to the dogs. She is scratching a puppy's ears through the cage. She is making the stupid noises that people make when they see a baby or a puppy. SUE Awwww! SUE (CONT'D) (to the puppy) I'm just a baby dog! yes, I am! I'm sooo cute! Vanessa rolls her eyes. VANESSA Wow, this cat looks just like Xavier! MOLLY, a woman working there, walks up. MOLLY (in a friendly voice, smiling) Who's Xavier? VANESSA My cat. MOLLY Well, I'm sure he looks a lot better than this poor thing! Sue begins to say, "Not really", but stops. MOLLY (CONT'D) Look at his hair; it's all dirty and matted together! Molly pulls the cat out of the cage and begins petting it. MOLLY (CONT'D) (to the cat) We'll get you fixed up! Yes, we will. Vanessa is obviously shamed and starts to feel guilty. (MUSIC: Simple Minds) CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- THAT EVENING (MUSIC: 'Love Cats' by The Cure) Cathy, Vanessa, and Debbie are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. Vanessa is brushing the cat. The cat is wearing a red velvet ribbon with a gothic charm on it. Sue enters, glances at Vanessa brushing the cat, pauses, and says nothing. She smiles. FADE OUT: ----------------------------------------------- ACT 5: HOUSE PARTY ------------------ FADE IN: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM- AFTERNOON The girls are in the living room getting outfits together for their party later that evening. Sue has the perfect vintage dress to wear for the party, but cannot quite get it zipped. DEBBIE No problem; we'll make a duct shell. CATHY I suppose margaritas would be appropriate for this process. Cathy begins making margaritas in a blender that is sitting on the living room table. Debbie goes upstairs to fetch supplies. She returns with a cheesy white T-shirt tank top. CATHY Nice wife-beater. It's too clean though. Where are the salsa and beer stains? DEBBIE Three bucks at Target. (she pronounces it "Tar-zhay") CATHY (incredulous) Get out! Sue puts on the tank top and the girls begin wrapping duct tape around the midsection of the shirt. (MUSIC shifts to 'Whip It' by Devo) They then cut the back with an exacto knife and fold the ends over. They take a holepunch leather tool and put eyelets in both sides. They then grab some string and lace the thing up. They can cinch it pretty tightly & it works like a charm. DEBBIE The beauty is that the tape will make you sweat off the inches while you wear it. SUE My hero! Sue sighs wistfully, putting her hands together by her cheek, batting her eyes at Debbie. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM - EVENING The party is in full swing. (MUSIC: 'You Belong to Me' by the Duprees) The guy Sue is slow-dancing with, JAMES, notices that Sue's dress is hard underneath and feels weird. He taps it, shrugs, and keeps on dancing. CUT TO: INT. SUE'S BEDROOM -- LATER Sue is doing a hit of acid with a few people and listening to freaky synthesizer music (Tangerine Dream). They are staring at the "U2: Boy" poster on the wall. When the acid starts taking effect, the poster begins morphing into different shapes. GUY It looks like an elephant eating peanuts out of a bag with its trunk. CHICK (spacey) It looks like Satan opening a huge, dusty tome with his wings. SUE It looks like a weasel rubbing its paws and gnashing its teeth. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- LATER (MUSIC shifts to 'Burning Down the House' by Talking Heads) There is much dancing, blender drinks, and a keg. Sue, Cathy, and Vanessa are dancing in the living room, but things are getting out of hand. It is getting so nobody can walk through the living room or the hallways. People are coming in from off the street from Rick's bar that they don't even know and are invading their pad. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DEBBIE'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Some football player guy has locked himself and Debbie in Debbie's room. (MUSIC shifts to 'I Want Your Sex' by George Michael) He is professing that she is a goddess and that he will die without her. Sue and Cathy are listening outside the room. Cathy sticks her hands in her pockets and shakes her head from side to side. CATHY (to Sue, in a hick accent) Pooter, men is stupitd. SUE (in a hick accent) Ah knows it, Wheezer. (nods) CUT TO: INT. SUE'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS (MUSIC shifts to 'Destination Unknown' by Missing Persons) Some people have locked themselves in Sue's room and are smoking a huge bong with a picture of Elvis on it. CUT TO: INT. HALLWAY TO SUE'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS Sue tries to get into her own room, but is rebuffed. She decides this is the last straw. CUT TO: EXT. PIZZA HOUSE PAY PHONE -- CONTINUOUS Sue calls the cops from a payphone at Pizza House, next door, anonymously reporting a disturbance at her pad. SUE (doing a bad Russian accent) The noise, it is terrible. I cannot sleep. I am a neighbor, yes. Next to the Pizza House. Thank you. Sue hangs up. In no time, the same cops from the earlier scene are there, busting up the party. Many people vacate as soon as they see the copcar's cherry flashing. Many people have the presence of mind to vacate through the windows. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- LATE EVENING (MUSIC: 'Enjoy the Silence' by Depeche Mode) The girls are the only ones left in the house. They are cleaning up the living room. SUE (screams) All of the tapes are gone EXCEPT for Duran Duran! ALL Shit! Sue grabs the phone. SUE I know who is behind this! Sue dials and puts the call on speakerphone. SUE (CONT'D) James, what the fuck? JAMES Chill, baby. I just wanted a date... (MUSIC shifts to 'Come on Eileen' by Dexy's Midnight Runners) SUE (smiles) Well... JAMES ...with Debbie SUE (sighs disgustedly) Ugh! Debbie violently shakes her head "no". Vanessa and Cathy each grab one of Debbie hands and begin patting it. JAMES Forbidden City. Tomorrow. Eight o' clock. Debbie finds the strength to shake her head once "yes". SUE OK, but no funny stuff. You bring the tapes in a clear bag and you're buying. JAMES Deal. Tell Debbie I'll see her then. James hangs up. SUE What a pig! VANESSA (to Debbie) Don't worry, honey. We'll be there. Vanessa lifts an eyebrow and nods her head once. VANESSA (CONT'D) In disguise. CUT TO: INT. LOBBY OF FORBIDDEN CITY -- 8PM SATURDAY Debbie looks like a goddess, as always. Vanessa is dressed as an old lady, wearing one of Sue's vintage hats and matching purse. James is already inside, sitting at a table. Vanessa takes the table next to James, sitting on the same side as James, facing Debbie. CUT TO: INT. FORBIDDEN CITY -- CONTINUOUS The scene is from James' P.O.V.. (MUSIC: 'Don't You Want Me, Baby' by Human League) Debbie is walking up to the table in slow motion, looking sexy. She brushes a strand of hair out of her eye and licks the corner of her mouth. (SHIFT to normal speed) James stands like a gentleman, causing Vanessa to gasp. DEBBIE Where's the beef? James open a backpack, showing it to be filled with tapes. Debbie takes her seat. James sits back down. (MUSIC shifts to 'She Blinded Me With Science' by Thomas Dolby) JAMES People are already talking about how your party was so awesome that it had to be broken up by the cops. They laugh. DEBBIE I feel sorry for Officer Lowen; all of the crap he has to put up with. JAMES He does seem like a pretty reasonable guy. Though it's sad that you guys know him well enough to remember his name and badge number. DEBBIE oh-three-eleven. They laugh and begin conversing. Things seem to be going really well. Vanessa gives Debbie some looks that say "I never would have guessed that James was actually an OK guy". CUT TO: EXT. FORBIDDEN CITY PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS (MUSIC: 'Wild Boys' by Duran Duran) Cathy and Sue are in their dark ninja gear again. They are skulking near the rear of James' black BMW. They have a quart of white paint and some small paintbrushes. CATHY You're sure this stuff is water-soluble? SUE Of course! Even I could not bear to destroy the finish on this fine Beemer. They begin painting "I'm a big pussy. Waah!" across the entire lip of the trunk. They have been smoking pot and think this is hilarious. (MUSIC shifts to 'She Drives Me Crazy' by Fine Young Cannibals) At the end of the evening, James is walking out whistling like he just made a major score. He is getting into the driver's side when he smiles broadly at two hot chicks that are walking past his car into the restaurant. They look at him and snicker. He is confused. (MUSIC shifts to 'Only the Lonely' by The Motels) CUT TO: INT. GLOMCOM INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY Sue is in the middle of a panel interview for an internship. The scene is from Sue's P.O.V. One of the women interviewing leans in and is asking Sue questions. The woman is rubbing her hands together near her neck and is wrinkling her nose and lifting and lowering her chin repeatedly. Sue begins to see her as a weasel rubbing its paws together and gnashing its teeth. Sue is trying to remain calm. SUE (under her breath) I picked the wrong week to do acid. WOMAN Pardon me? SUE (coughs) Oh, sorry. I said "My greatest weakness is that I'm an overachiever". The interviewers seem to like that answer and nod sagely. BLACKOUT: ------------------------------------------ ACT 6: BUSINESS CLASSES ----------------------- FADE IN: INT. BUSINESS LAW CLASSROOM -- AFTERNOON (MUSIC: 'Just Another Brick in the Wall' by Pink Floyd, the part with 'We don't need no education') The class is a lecture hall with about 40 students dressed in suits or business casual khakis with polo shirts. Sue is wearing spiked hair and a black dress with tasteful black business jacket. PROFESSOR What was the case that determined the precedent for property law? Mr. Edwards? Mr. TONY Edwards shakes his head. PROFESSOR Hint: It was in your previous reading assignment... Ms. Brown raises her hand and gives the wrong answer. PROFESSOR Anyone? Professor pauses and looks around PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ms. Blair? Sue gives the correct answer, drawing evil looks from most of the class, especially Edwards and Brown. It is obvious that this is a frequent occurrence. The other students in the class all roll their eyes. At the end of the class, a GUY (fellow student) is asking other students if he can copy their notes from the previous class. They all refuse. Sue offers the guy her notes. He hesitates. GUY Thanks. (pauses) GUY (CONT'D) I can't believe that nobody had their notes on them. SUE Duh. They all had their notes on them. The B-school is ultra-competitive. Giving you notes takes away your disadvantage. GUY Oh, how stupid of me. Don't you care, then? SUE No, I'm acing this class, so why should I care? GUY (in awe) Wow, aren't you afraid your arrogance will catch up with you? SUE Christ, no. That's ridiculous. (pauses) And anyway, what in the fuck are you doing in business school thinking about humility and karma? Sue shakes head from side to side. (MUSIC: 'You Spin Me Round' by Dead or Alive) CUT TO: INT. MARKETING CLASS ROOM -- LATER Tony Edwards is giving a presentation on a product that his group has invented which is for a pre-brushing dental product. Sue raises her hand. TONY Yes? SUE How does your product help fight the plague? TONY (condescendingly) Uh, that's "plaque". SUE Are you dyslexic? Sure enough, their poster says: 'Helps fight plague 10 ways'. STUDENT IN THE AUDIENCE Wow, I can't believe nobody in their ENTIRE group noticed that. Duh. People in the class are laughing. Tony is pretty obviously pissed at Sue, but says nothing. The students give their scores. Sue's group gives Tony's group a 'B'. There are three markeing groups in the class. Sue's group gives their presentation which goes pretty well. The professor tallies the scores and reads them to the class. Tony's group gets a 'B', the second group gets a 'B', and Sue's group gets a C-. SUE (exasperated, to the professor) How did our group get such a low score? PROFESSOR Group 1 gave you a 'B'. Group 2 gave you an 'E'. SUE An 'E'! That's totally unfair! PROFESSOR Not really. This class is teaching you business etiquette as well as marketing. If you make fun of your coworkers in public, it will catch up with you later in other ways. (pauses) PROFESSOR (CONT'D) Ahem. Well, I better get these scores off to the Corporate Director since he'll be needing these for his report. The professor begins shuffling papers around. SUE (to the professor) Wait, can we change our rating for group 1? PROFESSOR Well, that's highly irregular... PROFESSOR (CONT'D) (pausing, coughs lightly) ...But I don't see why not. SUE OK, we give group 1 an 'E'. Group 1 clamors; Group 2 laughs. TONY Unfair! SUE Hey, if you would have given me an 'A'. I would have given YOU an 'A'. TONY Really? (pause) TONY (CONT'D) (to the professor) I'd like to change my rating of group 3 to an 'A'. The professor shrugs, shakes her head "yes" and makes a note on her pad. Dead silence. Everyone looks over at Sue. SUE Group 3 changes our rating of Group 1 to an 'A'. Group 1 and group 3 cheer. Group 2 clamors to change their ratings also. The professor is grinning. (MUSIC: 'You Spin Me Round' by Dead or Alive) CUT TO: INT. ECONOMICS CLASSROOM -- LATER The Professor is droning in a monotone. Students are falling asleep and looking bored. (MUSIC: 'Relax' by Frankie Goes To Hollywood) The P.O.V. changes to a view from over Sue's shoulder, looking down onto her desk. There is a piece of paper with a grid on it that says "Bullshit Bingo - Econ" at the top. The squares are filled with words like "win-win", "synergy", "prospectus", and "global scope" Some of the words are checked off. PROFESSOR ...the repatriation of dollars instead of funneling back into the local infrastructure... Sue crosses off "repatriation" and "infrastructure" and looks over at Tony Edwards. He also has a sheet and is holding up two fingers. Sue gives him a thumbs up. PROFESSOR ...dovetailing nicely into plans for using funds to educate the migrant workers and thereby lead to their economic independence. Tony looks over at Sue, mouthing "dovetailing?" scrunching up his face. He puts his forefinger up to his mouth as if he is going to gag himself. The prof looks over so Tony stops, looking placid. Sue crosses off "economic independence" and draws a huge line through the marked-off boxes. She crosses her left and right forefingers and puts them up to her nose. She looks over at Tony who is doing the same thing and has also gotten a "BINGO". The view pans out and is from the P.O.V. of the Professor. Several other students in the class are sitting with their fingers crossed over their noses. He pauses, looking puzzled. The students drop their hands, looking placid. He shrugs and resumes droning. BLACK OUT: ----------------------------------------- ACT 7: PIZZA HUT ---------------- EXT. PIZZA HUT PARKING LOT -- EVENING Debbie is dropping Sue off at Pizza Hut. Sue is a waiter on Friday and Saturday nights. DEBBIE Why don't you wear your Pizza Slut uniform to work? Then you wouldn't have to get dressed in the can. Yech! SUE I would rather die than have anyone see me in this uniform! See you. Sue gets inside and books directly to the restroom. CUT TO: INT. PIZZA HUT RESTROOM -- CONTINUOUS Sue dons the green polyester uniform of shame with cheesy matching visor. Sue is looking into the mirror, pinning on a badge that says "Muffy". SUE (to her reflection) I can't wait until I get an actual job and start earning those actual business school dollars. Sue is wearing 5" long plastic shrimp earrings and white lipstick. Sue walks to the waitstation. The manager is standing there and motions with his finger for Sue to come over. His name badge says 'Mr. Cool'. MANAGER Gak! Those earrings have got to go! SUE Why? MANAGER They are just too honking big. SUE There is nothing in the dress code with respect to earring size. MANAGER Shit! Well, that lipstick has got to go! SUE Why? MANAGER Frankly, it looks like a blowjob gone awry. SUE There is nothing in the dress code with respect to lipstick color except for "no black lipstick". MANAGER Not so. I updated the dress code after last week's fiasco. SUE Get out! Manager flips opens a huge notebook that says "Pizza Hut- Stadium Location, Policies and Procedures". Somebody has written underneath in marker "a.k.a The Tome". SUE (Reading the passage) "Lipstick, if worn, shall be in one of the following hue families (only): orange, pink, red, brown, mauve, and coral." Hmm. Well, I'll be. You got me. Sue takes a napkin and wipes off the lipstick, handing the napkin to the manager, grabs a tray and check pad, and flounces out to her section. CUT TO: INT. PIZZA HUT -- SATURDAY EVENING Sue comes in wearing the same shrimp earrings but a reasonable shade of lipstick. MANAGER Those earrings have got to go! SUE (sighs) Wow, did you update the manual already? Usually it takes you a week. I'm pretty impressed. MANAGER Yeah, check out The Tome. SUE (reading appropriate section from The Tome) "Earrings, when worn, shall be no longer than one inch in length". Hmm. I think I can work with that. Sue goes into the restroom and comes out wearing tiny fetus earrings. MANAGER Christ! You can't wear those! SUE They are 3/4 inch. MANAGER Too bad you're my best waiter. Sue skips out onto into the dining area with her tray and check pad. CUT TO: INT. PIZZA HUT REFRIGERATION ROOM -- CONTINUOUS One of the cooks, Ian, who looks like a goth vampire (complete with kohl under his eyes, white face powder, and reddish lipstick), is in the unit with a Reddi-Whip can. He is pressing the nozzle just enough to get the gas out but not enough to let the cream out. He is inhaling the gas. The Manager walks in and sees Ian. MANAGER (sigh) Too bad you're my best cook. The Manager shakes his head, grabs some pizza dough and walks out. BLACKOUT: ------------------------------------ ACT 8: INQUI-JIZZ-TION ---------------------- FADE IN: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- EVENING The girls are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. They are playing dirty word scrabble. You can see the board which contains words like 'FELCH', "BUTTWHORE", and "SMEGMA". VANESSA I'm doing a report on why people are in the jobs that they're in. Will you guys help me out? CATHY, DEBBIE, SUE Sure. VANESSA Cathy, drone into the tape recorder about why you're a singer in a band. CATHY Well, it all started in the dorm... (Cheesy soft-focus wavy flashback FADE-IN sequence occurs) CUT TO: INT. DORM SHOWER ROOM, CO-ED WING -- EVENING Sue and Cathy enter the dorm shower room in towels. Cathy is wearing a towel on her head like a swami. Sue goes into the shower stall. Cathy goes over to the sink and begins brushing her teeth. Sue screams. Cathy comes over to see what is going on. SUE Look at that! I can't believe it. She points to a big wad of semen at the bottom of the shower shall. CATHY Ew! Is that what I think it is? (pauses) CATHY (CONT'D) (angered) I'm not going to stand for this! Cathy goes out the door and returns with a plastic knife and a clear lid from a magarine container. She scoops the wad of jizz carefully onto the lid and the girls exit. Still wearing their towels, Cathy and Sue begin knocking on the guys' doors of the hall and asking them if they know anything about the wad of jizz. CATHY We found THIS in the shower stall. Is it yours? (The following scene is a montage of men in their doorways reponding to this question) MAN #1 God, no! I would never do anything SO appalling! (pauses) Though please feel free to come in, Ladies, and we can discuss the matter in full detail. The ladies sigh and move on to the next victim(s). MAN #2 No way! I only ejaculate into hot chicks and hot chicks only. ALL THE TIME. (pauses) Can I get you a beverage? The ladies move on. MAN #3 The Lord sayeth 'tis a sin for a MAN to spill his seed upon the ground. He pauses, touching his trouser pocket. MAN #3 (CONT'D) Er, hem, Would you like to come inside? Man #4 is shirtless and looks extremely ragged out. His hair is a mess and he has major razor stubble. His pants look grimy and his belt is undone. MAN #4 I don't know; I was pretty drunk at the time. MAN #5 You know, women have vaginal secretions. That could be from a chick! MAN #6 is the Resident Advisor on the hall. He is shaking his head from side to side. MAN #6 Tsk, tsk. Clearly, this is some base prank perpetrated by Palmer floor. I'll look into it immediately! (pauses) Please, come in and tell me the entire story. CUT TO: INT. SUE AND CATHY'S DORMROOM -- LATER MIKE knocks on the door. Two totally hot twins (guys) are sitting on the couch. Sue is lying across both of them. They are all reading the same Latin book. SUE Come in. MIKE Are you the performance artist chick? SUE What you talkin' 'bout, Willis? MIKE The one with the splooge on the plastic lid? SUE Oh, that would be Cathy. She should be back any minute. Cathy walks up. CATHY Hi, guys. MIKE Hi. We're looking for a hot chick lead singer for our band. CATHY I can't carry a tune in a bucket. MIKE Doesn't matter. It is punk, mostly screaming. (pauses) Plus, it pays $75/night CATHY I'm in! CUT BACK TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- BACK TO THE PRESENT CHEESY FADE ENDS: VANESSA Cool. But I want to hear more about those twins! SUE Well, in that case... CUT BACK TO: INT. SUE AND CATHY'S DORMROOM -- CONTINUOUS CHEESY FADE IN: Sue pours some red wine into three glasses. The twins put down their Latin books and all three clink glasses. TWIN #1 (sniffing the wine) Vinum bonum. TWIN #2 You said "bone". Everybody smiles, sipping the wine. CUT TO: Scene cuts to an ultra-cheesy montage of Sue and the twins together in slow motion. (MUSIC: 'Seasons in the Sun' by Terry Jacks) MONTAGE -- Sue and the twins are walking to the theater arm in arm in arm and draw strange looks from people. They laugh at this. They are dressed up. They laugh and kiss each other in public. -- They are all three sitting at a romantic candlelight dinner, looking meaningfully into each others' eyes, holding hands, and drinking out of a glass with three straws. -- They are going on a midnight walk and are tossing leaves into a pond. For some unknown reason, Sue is wearing a flowing gothic dress, holding a big white dove. The twins are gently stroking its feathers and wearing Renaissance poet shirts and hats each with a big white feather stuck in it Sue lets the dove go into the sky. The twins are on either side of her. The dove flies up and up. A tear rolls down each of the twins' eyes. Sue wipes them off and they smile and skip into the sunset holding hands -- CUT BACK TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- BACK TO THE PRESENT ABRUPT SWITCH BACK Sue has a stupid, happy look on her face. Vanessa has grabbed a hold of her arm and is shaking it. VANESSA Er, I really just wanted to know about the sex. SUE (wiping away a tear) Oh. (pauses) Well, that was pretty good, too. CUT BACK TO: INT. SUE AND CATHY'S DORMROOM -- BACK TO THE PAST CHEESY FADE IN: Sue and the twins are scantily clad and are making out on a large cushion on the floor. There are a ton of candles about the place. The twins are wearing black silk underwear and Sue is wearing sexy lingerie. They are moving slowly & the scene is passionate and steamy. The twins are focusing on Sue. They are looking into her eyes, kissing her fingers, wiping strands of hair from her face tenderly, gently kissing her eyelids, kissing her belly button and her back, all of that stuff. CUT BACK TO: ABRUPT SWITCH INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- BACK TO THE PRESENT SUE ...But enough of that. (sighs) Vanessa wipes sweat from her face. Cathy fans herself and starts drinking some water. DEBBIE Wow, what happened? SUE Oh. They were seniors and were ready to get serious. They asked me to choose. I was only a freshman. I wasn't ready. DEBBIE How sad.. SUE I wouldn't have worked out anyway. (pauses) Once you have twins, you never want halfsies. The other girls nod sagely. BLACK OUT: ------------------------------------ ACT 9: CAR SMASH ---------------- EXT. DIAG IN FRONT OF THE GRAD LIBRARY -- AFTERNOON Vanessa and her sorority sisters, a bunch a frat guys, and a huge crowd is gathered. Some of the frat guys are wearing Pi Rho sweatshirts. Vanessa's sorority is wearing Eta Pi sweatshirts. There are a bunch of other Greeks there. Campus security is also hanging around. There is a huge banner that says 'Let's Smash AIDS- Car Smash'. There are several huge cardboard boxes that say "Donations accepted". People are putting dollar bills into the cardboard boxes. There are flyers on top of the boxes with info about AIDS for people to take. There are two junker cars parked in the diag. A group of four people is lined up behind each car, two girls and two guys. They are wearing their Greek letters. It is Pi Rho and Eta Pi (Vanessa is in this group) vs. another frat and another sorority. They are all wearing safety glasses and thick work gloves; each group has a big hammer, a crowbar, an axe, and a pick axe. They have already worked out which section of the car each person will attack. The MC blows the whistle and the two groups attack their cars. Vanessa has a hammer and leaps on top of the car's roof. She smashes out the windshield, leaps down onto the hood and begins smashing in the front blindspots. The crowd goes wild. A guy has crowbared open the trunk and is beating the trunk supports madly. The other girl is smashing in the right side windows with an ax. The other guy is smashing the left side windows in with a pick-axe. The guy and the girl finish the windows and leap inside and start ripping the car's interior and throwing it out the windows. The crowd loves it. The MC blows the whistle again and the people stop. They are out of breath and each group gathers on each side of the MC and shakes hands with each other, smiling broadly. The MC holds up each of his arms, in succession, indicating one or the other of the teams. The crowd applauds and cheers for the team they think did the best job. Vanessa's team wins. Other members of Pi Rho dump gatorade over their heads in celebration. CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM AT VANESSA'S SORORITY -- LATER Vanessa has gone over to her sorority to shower and wash off the gatorade since it is closer than her house. Her sorority sister, TRICIA, has lent her some dry clothes to wear. Vanessa has just come out of the shower and is toweling her hair. TRICIA runs up to Vanessa. TRICIA You've got to come downstairs NOW. Somebody got pinned so they're having The Ceremony. Vanessa wraps her hair up in the towel, looking like a swami. VANESSA Ooh, I wonder who it is. This will be my first ceremony! TRICIA Oh, yeah. Well, nobody is saying who got pinned, as usual. Besides, it would ruin the ceremony to know in advance. VANESSA Bet you five bucks it's Amy. TRICIA Bet you ten bucks it's Tracy. VANESSA You're on! TRICIA We're also going to play 'I never' with paper clips. VANESSA OK, now do I throw in a clip if I HAVE done something or or I HAVEN'T done something? TRICIA If you HAVE done something. VANESSA Cool. CUT TO: INT. VANESSA'S SORORITY LIVING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS The girls are sitting around in a big circle in the dark. Each girl has a stack of 20 paper clips in front of her. Vanessa has a towel on her head like a swami. There is a lit candle in the middle of the circle in a candle holder. One of Vanessa's sorority sisters, we and they don't know who, has gotten pinned so they have to have a big ceremony about it. The sorority President grabs the candle. PRESIDENT I have never had anal sex. A couple girls throw a paper clip into the center of the circle. The President passes the candle to the girl on her left. GIRL #1 I have never cheated on an exam. More girls throw a paper clip into the center of the circle. She passes the candle. GIRL #2 I have never cheated on a boyfriend. A bunch of quiet groans like "oh please". Many girls throw a paper clip into the center of the circle. She passes the candle. GIRL #3 I have never had anal sex that didn't hurt. Nobody throws in a paper clip. She passes the candle. GIRL #4 I have never had sex with 2 guys within the same week. A few girls throw in some clips. She passes the candle. GIRL #5 I have never had sex with 2 guys on the same day. Vanessa smiles, thinking of Sue, but doesn't throw in a clip. There is a hesitation. One person throws in a clip. This draws an awed gasp from the crowd. The candle is passed. The candle reaches AMY. She blows the candle out. Everyone screams and then congratulates AMY. The lights come on. She turns out her collar and they all admire her spiffy Pi Rho fraternity pin. The girls hear a bunch of men singing outside the house. It is the boys from Pi Rho singing baudy serenade tunes. The girls go to the balcony to observe this drunken buffoonery. The lead man is Tim, Amy's boyfriend. The PI RHO boys are singing to the tune of 'The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald' by Gordon Lightfoot. They are obviously inebriated and have brown paper lunchbags containing beer in their hands. PI RHO BOYS (singing) And Amy, it is said, never gives up her head- Until the pin of the Pi Rho's upon her- With a load of cum stored- Twenty six thousand tons more- Than Tim's shriveled scrotum-sac weighed empty- That Amy was true to Tim's bone to be chewed- When the gales of his cum shot came early!- Amy swoons and bats her eyes at her man, Tim. She cups her hands together and raises them to her cheek, batting her eyelashes. She throws Tim a kiss. VANESSA (laughing) Christ! TRICIA Gak, that's disgusting! How juvenile. PRESIDENT Check out Bill. He has really cut eyelashes. (sigh) VANESSA (sighing and shaking her head from side to side) Christ. CUT TO: INT. GIRLS' LIVING ROOM -- LATER The girls are sitting around watching Letterman and smoking pot. Cathy and Sue are making fun of Vanessa's sorority. Cathy has her forearm covered with a blanket which she is using to cover up the lower part of her face. Dramatically, she removes her arm to expose her entire face. CATHY (melodramatically) Yes! It is me! I WAS pinned by TIM, my eternal truest love! Muahahhaaha! Whee! Cathy prances about in a superior way like a chicken. She is nodding her head forward and back with her chin sticking in the air. CATHY (CONT'D) Uh huh. Uh huh. That's right, baby. Cathy shows off what is supposed to be her "pin". It is a badge that says "GET OFF ME". Sue screams with her hands on each side of her face, wearing an inane expression. SUE (in New York accent) Oh my GAWD! You lucky DAWG! CATHY It's all about me, the fabulous me! SUE Get OVER it! Sue belches loudly. They fall down laughing. DEBBIE Vanessa, why didn't you live at your sorority? VANESSA Too expensive. (pauses) The other girls nod sagely. VANESSA (CONT'D) Also, not enough drugs over there. Everyone laughs. ------------------------------------ ACT 10: SUE'S DATE ------------------- EXT. NIXON ROAD -- EVENING Sue is driving down the road. She passes an intersection, the signs of which are "Nixon" and "Bluett". She stops at an apartment, honks her horn and and a guy comes out, JON, who is her date. They drive to a country bar called the Diamondback Saloon where they dance. The DJ plays "Fuckin' in the Butt" by David Allen Coe and they act out the song on the dancefloor which draws applause and hoots from the crowd. Later, they hop the fence to a hotel and cop a soak in the hottub for a while. They begin making out. JON Ooh baby, you know you like it like that. SUE (stops) Ugh! I HATE porno talk during sex. Didn't you read my dossier? i Jon shrugs. SUE Well, you should have received a copy. Please familiarize yourself. JON Yes, ma'am. They go back to making out. CUT TO: EXT. JON'S APT -- LATER Sue is dropping Jon off at his apartment. She decides to come in for a few. They are making out on his bed. (MUSIC: Eternal Flame by the Bangles) On the wall next to the bed are a bunch of 8x10 glossy pictures of women- Sheila E, Apollonia, Vanity, Sheena Easton, Susannah Hoffs. There is a piece of paper above that says "Prince Scrog Wall of Fame". JON (casually) Have you lost the 'butt harp' point yet? SUE Say what? JON Haven't you read 'The Purity Test'? JON (CONT'D) (mildly imitating Sue earlier) You really should obtain a copy and familiarize yourself. JON (CONT'D) You take a quiz and lose purity points for sexual deeds. I am 51% pure, though I am trying to become less pure than pure. SUE Dude, a worthy goal but, alas, my poopchute is one-way. Anyway, what in the fuck is a buttharp? Jon contemplates "in the fuck" and "butt" together in the same sentence. JON Indeed. Jon pulls a thing out of his nightstand. JON (CONT'D) It's two anal beads strung together. Each person sticks one in their ass and you can play beautiful music on the string in between. SUE Christ! (pauses) SUE (CONT'D) (curiously) What other contraptions do you have in that drawer? Jon smiles and raises his eyebrows. (MUSIC: 'Erotic City' by Prince) ------------------------------------ ACT 11: STARRY NIGHT --------------------- FADE IN: EXT. SOUTH UNIVERSITY STREET -- EVENING (MUSIC: 'Hail to the Victors' by UM Marching Band) The girls are walking down the street with Cathy's bandmembers, Mike and Bob, after the Michigan vs. Michigan State football game. Michigan has, of course, won. Everyone is dressed in the Michigan colors (maize and blue) except for Mike who is dressed in State colors (green and white). He is wearing a brown paper bag over his head with eyeholes and a mouthhole cut out and a shirt that says "The Unknown MSU Fan". CUT TO: EXT. ROOFTOP OF UNIVERSITY TOWERS - LATER (MUSIC: 'Red Skies at Night' by The Fixx) The girls and guys are sitting on top of University Towers smoking pot. Mike has taken the paper bag off his head. They are looking at the night sky and at the lights up and down the street. Some are lying on their backs looking up at the stars and the moon which is full and has a multicolored cloud ring around it. There is an additional guy there who is wearing a "University Towers Security" uniform. He gets up to take a leak around the side of the staircase. (MUSIC shifts to 'Starlight' by Madonna) Mike gets up, puts his paper bag back on, and begins mooning University Towers residents who are attempting to study. One of the people studying is an Asian guy wearing glasses. He purses his lips and shakes his head from side to side. He picks up a phone and begins dialing. Mike comes back and sits down with the group, taking off his paper bag. The security guard comes back from taking a leak. He is pulling up his zipper. SECURITY GUARD Well, I gotta motor. I'm getting paged yet again. The security guard sighs, shaking his head, and goes down the stairs. Sue is obviously drunk off her ass. SUE (to Mike) You should moon those people at the Brown Jug. Sue's arms are folded as she looks down across the street with distain. SUE (CONT'D) Look at those complacent cows grazing away. Sue shakes her head from side to side in disgust. MIKE No way! Are you insane? That's a crowded public street! SUE You're a big wussy. I guess I'll have to do it myself. Sue gets up and immediately falls over. CATHY Guess we'll have to help you. The group goes down the stairs. Mike and Bob are on either side of Sue holding her up as she walks. CUT TO: EXT. SOUTH UNIVERSITY STREET -- CONTINUOUS (MUSIC: 'Walk Like an Egyptian' by the Bangles) The group gets down to next to The Brown Jug's big picture window. In spite of Sue's drunken state, she clumsily manages to expose her ass. The two guys grab a leg a piece and Cathy and Vanessa help balance the arms. Debbie is taking photos. They lift Sue off the ground and begin walking in front of the picture window, Sue's ass facing the picture window, everyone facing away from the window. Mike is wearing his paper bag. Sue's ass falls in toward the window and her ass is scraping against the window as the people pull her across it. (MUSIC shifts to 'Da Butt' by D.U.) P.O.V. is from the inside with buttocks being smashed upon the glass and smeared across it. PATRON Christ! CASHIER Bastards! The cashier jumps up and runs out the front door. Cathy sees the cashier. CATHY Shit! Run! Everyone starts running. Sue is having difficulty, but manages to get her pants up and the guys help her run. CUT TO: EXT. CEMETERY -- CONTINUOUS They run into the cemetery and fall down panting and laughing. (MUSIC shifts to 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' by Bauhaus) The caretaker's house is next to the cemetery. A yappy little dog is up against the fence barking incessantly. Bob goes over to the fence, unzips his fly, and starts pissing in the dog's face. This makes the dog even angrier. (MUSIC shift to 'She's in Parties' by Bauhaus) Cathy begins scaling the fence. CATHY (to Bob) You think you're cool just because you're a guy and can piss anywhere you want. Well, check this out! Cathy has reached the top of the fence and is standing on top of it. She hikes up her skirt and begins pissing on the dogs' head. BOB Hey, you're not wearing any underwear! DEBBIE Duh. MIKE Er, pardon me, I need to go rub one out. Mike walks behind a tree. DEBBIE Hey, let's do the photos since we're here! BOB Brilliant idea, Buffer! Everyone agrees. (MUSIC shifts to 'Green Haze' by Elvis Hitler) They go around the various tombstones using Vanessa's keylight for illumination and taking pictures, acting out the names on the tombstones. (Each picture should be shown on the screen in quick succession). Bob takes an arching whiz over the tombstone of WATERMAN. Mike exposes his limp penis in front of the STILLMAN tombstone. Vanessa and Debbie are standing in front of the HICKS tombstone with their guts exposed and sticking out as far as possible, each chewing on a long piece of grass. Debbie is holding a smashed beer can. Cathy is standing in front of the WAIT tombstone, tapping her foot, looking at her watch. In front of the SPOONER tombstone, Sue is pretending to be doing Bob from behind. MIKE You realize that we are all going to fry in hell. VANESSA Yeah, but only the outer circle. CATHY Yeah, the inner circle is reserved for people who make fun of retards with mullets. DEBBIE Ugh! MIKE Hey, let's go sledding in the arb. SUE Capital idea, Biffy! They go over to a bench and unearth a stash of plastic lunchroom trays that are covered by a bunch of twigs. Each person grabs a tray. They begin walking through the woods into the public arboretum. CUT TO: EXT. WOODS -- CONTINUOUS (MUSIC shifts to creepy 'Friday the 13th' music) MIKE (in a hick accent) Don't go in them woods, kids, they's haurnted! Bob is whispering 'Friday the 13th' background noises, pretending he is Jason. BOB Chh Chh Chh Chh! Kill kill kill kill! Cathy pretends to be running from Bob and is repeatedly falling down in a lame fashion. CATHY (in a ditzy voice) Oh! Oh! My high heels! CUT TO: EXT. HILL TOP -- CONTINUOUS They get to the top of a tall hill and begin sledding. (MUSIC shifts to 'Switchin' To Glide' by The Kings) The people at the top of the hill are cheering for the people who are on the way down. The people sledding spin around and wipe out laughing, almost hitting some trees. CUT TO: EXT. BOTTOM OF HILL -- CONTINUOUS When they are all at the bottom, they are laughing in a big pile. An arm with a lit joint rises from the bottom of the stack. Bob, who is on the top, takes a puff and begins passing it around. (MUSIC shifts to Simple Minds and plays throughout the ending credits) BLACKOUT: --END--